PAUSE TO SMILE

I trust that all those politicians, public servants and journalists who enjoy having a sneer at little Norfolk Island will not mind if we stop to have a little laugh at your expense.
This 'letter' was printed in the local Norfolk Islander on the weekend, but for the benefit of all the readers of this blog outside the island, I have the writer's permission to print it here on "Angels and Eagles"


DOCTORS' COMMONS

Citizens of the Self-Governing Colony called the Commonwealth of Australia.

In light of your failure to elect a competent and worthwhile Government and thus to govern yourselves properly, and particularly having regard to the grave and despicable way you have treated our loyal and much loved Subjects on our bountiful and wonderful Crown Colony of Norfolk Island, We Hereby Give Notice of the revocation of your self-governance and your so-called independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all your states, territories, islands and ocean seas (except Canberra, which she thinks is a dreadful place). We shall rename Norfolk Island as The Norfolk Islands, as there are actually three islands (all of which belong to Her Majesty and are not and never have been yours) and for the avoidance of doubt we shall extend the Crown Territory of The Norfolk Islands to an area of two hundred and fifty nautical miles around the three islands, and such shall remain the property of the people therein under her sovereignty.
We will appoint a Governor for Australia without the need for further elections. The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. The so-called Commonwealth of Australia will cease to exist (and we never liked the expression Commonwealth as such was used by that bounder, Oliver Cromwell). From henceforth you shall be known as the Australian Group of Colonies and Territories.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and ''labour'' to avoid Australia slipping into sloppy American speak. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like", "oiu oiu" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as "Australian English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf and its spell checker will be adjusted accordingly.
You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen" and sing it proudly at all public occasions. January 26th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. April 1st will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England and on Norfolk Island. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day." You will cease playing Australian "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby. You will still be allowed to play cricket.
An internal revenue agent (tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moneys due backdated to 1901. Former members of your rather pathetic former parliament will be held personally liable in the case of default.

God Save The Queen.

Thank you for your co-operation

Her Majesty's Privy Council

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